Tuesday, March 22, 2011

1 Month....ALREADY???

 I can't believe it's been 1 month already!!  To say it's flown by would be an understatement - but now that I'm acknowledging that it's been 1 month, maybe I should get out of my sweat pants for a few days :)
 As for the twins, their doing pretty good.  We headed to the doctor yesterday and did the weight check.  For most, this is a very normal process - for me, I am always nervous at weight checks
 See, Stephen couldn't gain weight, he had to be supplemented from two weeks on - that was hard for me to handle.  Abby, she was an amazing nurser and never took formula - I felt like I had conquered what ever issue I had with Stephen (please note, that I do not believe that you are a bad mother if you give your child formula, I am just a very prideful and hard-headed person who puts something in her mind and wants to do it no matter what)
 The twins had issues at the very beginning with weight, mainly b/c of the jaundice and the inability to stay awake (except at night of course).  So we supplemented a little until they came off the blue light suits.
So with two weeks only nursing, feeling like they were doing great - plenty of tee's and poo poo's I was somewhat confident going to the doctor.  Talk about a wind out of my sails, little Jude is only 7lbs 4oz and Cecilia is 7lbs 2oz.  This is one of those moments where I am going to be extremely honest with you - one, you can't see or hear me cry which is what I do when I talk about this, and two I just need to vent.

I feel like a failure!  Bottom line, I know I'm not, but I sure feel like it.  I've read all the books, taken the herbal supplements, pumped, jumped on one foot while singing songs (ok, that one's not a proven method of increasing breast milk) still I've done it all - and still can't make enough milk or at least enough fatty milk to feed my children.  That's a hard thing to swallow!  All the books and doctors say that our bodies make enough, we just have to keep trying and pumping and all that jazz - but somehow I'm just not doing the job. 

There, I've admitted it the world - now I will suck up my pride and make a bottle, b/c I know that at the end of the day the health of my children is what is most important.  I'm still nursing, I won't stop doing that - it's to good for them; but we will just add to the routine of feeding twins and add a bottle in there a few times a day.  Maybe, just maybe this will give Alan and I some sleep; that would be the ultimate positive side of this!

Ok, that's all I got this morning - I do have a little Jude who is ready and willing to eat at this exact moment! :)  God bless you all!


Angelle said...

Glad to see the twins looking so beautiful and healthy. If you have time to take pics, post them, and write comments, then all is right in your world.
We miss seeing you at mass, but know that our prayers are with you.
The weight will come.....don't worry. You may find that in getting more sleep-because they are taking some formula-your milk will become more fatty and put some weight on them.
You're doing a great job with them, Jessica. Keep it up.

Henry's Mom said...

Jess - I love you girl and I wish we lived closer so I could give you a big hug and of course, play w/ all the kiddo's! So sry I missed your call today, especially after reading your post. I know how important nursing is to you and I know how much you wanted to hear that Cecilia & Jude were taking after Abby in the feeding dept., but you are sooo right that they will still be healthy, happy babies (even w/ a bottle). Look how amazing Stephen is and there is your proof. Plus, you are still nursing so my hat is off to you BIG TIME! You are amazing and I will be praying that all of your efforts pay off and that you are producing whole milk (he,he) soon! XOXO, Mis

Andrea said...

Jessica they look so beautiful! Don't beat yourself up either about bfing...I was like you too and cried and cried when I thought it "wasn't working anymore".

Bing Murphy said...

Jessica, I'm so proud of you. The twins are two more beautiful joys to add to the two you already have. I tell people all the time how I can't imagine how you guys do it all. We all need a little help from the bottle sometimes...yours is formula...mine is red wine:).

Love you and hope to see you soon!

gabriellecato said...

you are one of the absolute best mommy's i have ever met in my entire life, and i admire everything you do! the twins (and stephen and abby) are beautiful and you are doing such an incredible job!

Jmaddox said...

Thanks everyone! You guys are awesome! :)